It is the moment you have all been waiting for, Sarah's Roller Derby debut.
Now, I'm sure you've seen the video before of big, tough women duking it out on skates. It's terrifying right?
Well, for some reason, I wanted to know if I had what it took to go helmet to helmet with these amazons and hold my own in the roller rink.
And they put me in red, so they quote "knew not to kill me."
"I like this part. Risk of serious bodily injury including permanent disability, paralysis and death," said Sarah.
"Yes ma'am," screamed one of the
Suddenly, this assignment took on an all new meaning, because let's be honest, all I really wanted out of this, was a cute new name. And by cute, I mean really tough and really intimidating.
"We've got Death by Beheading. We've got Mae B. Nasty. We've got the ovarian fist," said Roller Derby Ref Brawl 'N Order.
"The ovarian fist?," said Sarah.
"Yes," he answered.
"What does that even mean?" asked Sarah.
"She's got a logo with some ovaries and punching gloves," said the ref.
And if I was going to top that, I needed to get moving.
Which means plenty of stretching, nd a heavy dose of the basics.
"Mouthguard in, are you ready? The first thing, the most important thing, is your derby stance, right? You want your weight over your front wheels, so when you fall, you're going to fall forward right? You're going to fall right over your knees," said Brawn 'n Order.
And believe you me, there was plenty of falling.
But I'm happy to report, I only fell when they were training me how to. Turns out, it's an art form.
"One knee down, spin, good! And right back up! Awesome! What else can we teach ya?"
Uh...coach? What about that derby name?
"Oh, you've got a name already on the back. Mr. Slamderson," he said.
"I can't be a mister," said Sarah.
"Mrs. Slamderson," he said.
"Sister Slamderson? I need a better name," said Sarah.
"Sister sludge pool," he said.
"Sister sludge pool?!" she replied.
Ok, we'll just come back to that. So, as I was saying, we covered the basics. From how to stop, to how to gain speed, to how to hit, but you don't get roller derby street cred, or that much-coveted nickname in a one-on-one lesson. Unfortunately, my rink time was limited to one drill, and for good reason too.
They weren't so much scared about me hurting myself, the waiver covered all that, it was more about me hurting one of these athletes before their next big bout.
"I would have been the proverbial twig in your skate," said Sarah.
"We can jump. It's ok," said Hells Mels.
As for that derby name...
"I'm kind of a giant wuss is what I am, really," said Sarah.
"Wuss is not a good derby name. Major Wuss-stak," said Brawl 'n Order.
We finally came up with one.
"Slice and dice her," said a derby girl.
"Slice and Dice her, there you go, you got your name," said Brawl 'n Order.
Or my personal punny favorite, Twisted Swiss-ter.